About Silences [07.08.2017]

Apologies for not posting in a while!

I could claim many a culprit guilty for my absence on here- I have been travelling, caught up with family, reading too much, writing… alright, so the last excuse is most certainly a lie-

(I am trying very hard to work on that however. No, seriously)

– but honestly, I don’t feel like offering excuses. I suppose all I can say is that I haven’t felt like it.

I’ve always been taught that it isn’t such a good thing to say in defence of not doing something. I haven’t felt like it. Whether at school, at home, or at work, it is the worst resistence you can offer against a demand to do something, complete something. Goodness, I can hear my most odious teacher now, berating it.I take on that voice and the first person in my head is spiteful and spitting: So I don’t FEEL like it, huh? Well, what good am I for anything else? Can’t lift my lazy fingers and brain to put some words together, what else am I good for? Do you think the great people of the past put off doing their great deeds because at the back of their great minds, a tiny, great voice reminded them that really, they didn’t FEEL like doing something great on a particular day?

How easy it is to blow things out of proportion. But that’s what I’m King at. I know it’s not important as to whether I write a post or not. It’s my blog, I do what I want. But I suppose to me, it’s currently important that I face up to why I don’t do something. Being in recovery and desperately trying to get back in touch my both myself and the world, after years spent trying to reject feelings, is at last beginning to teach me things. One of those being that I sometimes can’t do things because, in one sense or another, at any one particular moment,

I don’t feel like it.

But what’s important is knowing that it doesn’t mean I’m always going to be this way.

So, I’ll be keeping at the monthly reading round-up where I can, and hopefully write about books at some point. I’ve made a change to not put them in ‘reviews’ anymore, rather, I’ll just put them down as my thoughts. I have a lot to learn about reading, about writing on reading, and I feel like I don’t have the confidence to make judgements on books. Perhaps that is strange, but I feel more comfortable that way.

Wishing you a pleasant day!

HD.

London Comic Con, 26-28/05/2017

So I went to London MCM Comic Con at the ExCel Centre just over a week ago. And since then, I’ve agonized over how I was going to write about it. Originally, I had a much longer post planned, which was personal in nature. It was going to not only describe how it was at MCM, but I was also going to go into great detail on how much of a struggle it was. How my anxiety flared up big time in light of this big weekend, which colluded with how exposed I felt wearing proper cosplay for the first time, as well as inadequate.

However, after days of thinking about it, I scrapped the piece. Not only on reading it back, does it feel horribly disjointed, it also just feels too… open, for me at the moment. I’ve realised more and more these days that I’m not 100% able and ready to write about what plagues me from day to day, how it mixes and churns about and poisons my movements, my thoughts. I feel as if it will be soon- where I can talk about it. And I obviously need to keep perusing this, even if it means scrapping more posts/writings.

For now, I just post some pictures of me in the cosplay I did manage to wear on Saturday. Evie Frye from Assassin’s Creed Syndicate in her Bloofer Lady Outfit, anyone? 😉

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